So you want to be heard do you?
Being a master communicator isn’t generally something that you’re born with. You have to work at it. I’ve been mastering the art of communication for years and still I stumble from time to time. Some of the best lesson’s I’ve learned are here in this blog.
First, if you find that you are angry, frustrated, disappointed (insert your own feeling here) with someone in your life, you should tell them. I’m not talking about, “Hey Jerk Face, you left your dishes in the sink again. You are such a pig!” Try something like this…”Honey, I’ve noticed that I’m feeling angry when I see your dishes in the sink. It makes me feel like you don’t respect how hard I work to keep the kitchen clean when you leave stuff in the sink. I’m sure that is not your intention, but I wanted you to know that’s how I’m feeling”. Instead of getting all defensive, the person you are speaking to will hear what you say.
Try it… “It makes me feel ______ when you ______. I’m sure that wasn’t your intention, but it’s how I’m feeling”. Or, “I am noticing that I’m feeling frustrated with how you speak to me in front of my colleagues. I think it’s because you keep cutting me off. I’m sure it is not your intention to frustrate me, so I wanted to share how I’ve been feeling with you”.
Second, Check for understanding. Being married to a French man reminds me to check for understanding almost every time we speak. His English is excellent, but sometimes the way I phrase something doesn’t resonate. Ask the person you’re speaking to if they understood what you said. If they say yes, ask them to repeat it to you to ensure you were clear; especially if the matter is of high importance.
Third, When you’re trying to share your ideas with someone you work with or care about, instead of saying, “You should….” try “Have you ever considered…” This gives them the opportunity to tell you if they have and if it worked or not. It’s especially key if you are offering unsolicited advice in the workplace or to a friend.
Fourth, Say what you want. Sounds easy right? But most of us say what we don’t want.
Me: John, what would you like in a new job?
John: I don’t want a boss that micro-manages me. I don’t want to work weekends. I don’t want to be strapped for cash.
John is telling me everything he doesn’t want in his new job. So let’s give John’s words a makeover.
John: I want a boss who trusts me to do my job and gives me autonomy. I want weekends off to enjoy my family. I want enough money to pay my bills and put away $300 month in savings.
With your kids: Don’t Run! becomes, Walk in the house. Don’t spill the milk! becomes, Do your best to keep all of the milk in the glass or the container.
Just pay attention this week to how many times you say, “I don’t want…” It’s surprising. Make an effort to say what you want. It feels better and it sets your mind on the goal, whether that’s finding a job with weekends off or keeping the milk in the container and cup!
And Last, Turn your sights to the positive by shifting your typical, “How was your day?” to “What went well today?” Most of us go right to everything that went array when someone asks how our day was. So by asking your kids, spouse, colleagues, and friends, “What went well today?” you’re helping them shift to positive thinking. Positive thinking according to Dr. Martin Seligman in his book Flourish, is one way to build resiliency. (The ability to bend without breaking, and thrive after a traumatic event)
Share your thoughts and communication tips below!
